A little bit into the afternoon, 20 years ago today, my father died. I hated him a lot. I still do. I can never forgive him, let alone forget what he did to me. But the worst part is that I cannot forgive myself. I tried to have compassion for the child that I was then, 40 years ago, but I can’t. Or maybe I don’t understand why. I believe that I am a defect, that I was born bad. My father never loved me and he despised me for not being good. Problem is he made me like that and it is difficult to admit failure. He never did. But he hated me. Now I am 46 and I struggle with connecting to people. I am convinced I was to made for it. And because connection is the purpose of life, not being able to do it means that I am dead. I thought a lot about suicide but it seems it has consequences. And I don’t mean “those who love us will miss us” bullshit. On the upside, I believe some resources will be released and some time will be saved, so everyone wins. Well, not e everyone, but I was born a mistake and a looser so it really doesn’t matter.
Posted in alone, child, dad, death, decision, failure to launch, idiot, love, out of stock, schizoid personality, signs, tata
don’t hold my hand, don’t touch me and, god forbid, never kiss me in public. you would ask why? well, his rationale is that people seeing us will figure out we are gay and would reckon that i am tye top and he is the bottom. i could barely contain my laughter. he was playing with me his alpha role and i let him. i am the alpha here even if with him i was a bottom in bed. i call the shots. but i let him believe what he needed to believe in order to get what i wanted from him. narcisists need to be acknowledged and get appreciation just enough and you get anything you want from them. occasionally there is the narcisist asshole that will make you jump through loops and you may want to not do that and him altogether. we eventually parted and only got to hand jobs and blow jobs. good enough considering what i had to put up with. but the young alpha was insecure. he was only 24.
The Unmovable Object just moved far far away. And now all I need to do is resist the urge to contact him. That is how he works. But that is how it is not working for me. I need him to write and get in touch once in a while if ge says he likes me. But he doesn’t. So I need to just get it: he just not that into me. And then I just need to shut up. And take a new hobby. Or just shut up.
I hated my body for as long as I can remember. My father body shamed me all the time. I was skinny and tall. Then somebody at school started calling me ‘the skeleton’. I tried to live with all of it but it was hard. At some point I just did not bother and let the shame control me. And I am telling you: it is not the truth. It is all in your head and was put there by somebody else because you did not know better to fight it.
When I was about 7yo I discovered in my father’s library a book about bodybuilding. I was amazed by the pictures of muscular men and I started dreaming of becoming one. Reading the book, I quickly realized
that it was for me a mission almost impossible. My father mentally incapacitated me and managed to make me believe I could not do anything in my
life on my own.
I am 45yo now and this year for the first time in my life I started doing something about it. I worked my ass off for the past two years and I want to continue even if at my age it is an uphill effort. I workout 6 time a week, eat as much as possible and as clean as I can, and I do what it takes. I love bodybuilding. I still have my days when I self-deprecate in front of other people even and I have other days when I discover myself in the mirror and have a rare “aha” moment.
I plan to compete in the fall of 2019 in a local bodybuilding or fitness show. I have a lot of work ahead of me but I am up for it. Even if it started with body shaming, I still love what I do and it gave me a lot of satisfaction. As for body shaming, it doesn’t own me as much as it used to. I am still afraid to show my body as it is far from what I want it to be. But, after all, I am working for it and that’s all that matters.
I am falling.
He doesn’t know.
He doesn’t care.
He’s just not into me.
We had sex and it blew my mind. I have no idea how it was for him. We slept together. Like, we took a nap in the same bed, after sex. I literally slept in his arms and it was beautiful.
Now, suddenly, I lost interest in meeting other guys I was in talks with. I only think about him all day and I am scared that I may have developed an obsession for him. I need to keep it cool. I am 45 years old after all, so I should know better.
8 month. to the day. the 5th day of the month. we met. we broke up. I was reluctant. i know i am insecure and sexually unfulfilled so a relationship would have been a disaster. because my mother and my father never truly loved me i grew up not knowing what love is. I grew up thinking that i am undeserving of love and that something is terribly wrong with me. so it is hard still today for me to love myself. self love is all that one needs to go out into the world and connect to people in any way. i lack that and, even if recently i discovered that i have some compassion for myself, it makes it hard for me to connect and give love and be loved. then enter G. he just knocked me off my feet. we talked for a while on grindr but he was spotty so i just lost interest. then one saturday afternoon he write to me “i want to have a baby with you”. it made me laugh. then we decided to meet in the club later that night. and we did. he would start telling all his friends that i was his lover and we’ve been having a one hour old relationship. he was cute. we talked a lot. i even told him my special story and still he wanted to stick with me. we went to my place and had sex that allegedly he enjoyed. then we talked more, had some tense moments when i tried to reject him only to let him in my life. one week in he bought me a gift because he read my horoscope that said i will receive a gift. then he left for a week in a previously planned vacation with his mother in Cyprus. the surprise at the return was overwhelming: one present for every day he was away. it was so romantic and so kind and i could not stop from crying. nobody did something like that for me. i was struck and could not contain my joy. however before he left i did something very bad. i kissed a guy in the club. it was this guy that was doing trx at the same gym i was going to. i used to gave at him not even suspecting that he was gay. the saturday before his departure we got separated because his mother came in town he is not out to his family. i panicked and i went in the club and saw this guy and lost it for a moment. i kissed him but half way through i realized that it was so wrong and i moved away and left tue club. i was ashamed for that kiss and eventually i told my boyfriend what i had done. he was pissed but he forgave me.
the t-shirt. did not see at first. i was way too much into his eyes and smile. our bodies touched for a brief moment and i felt his bulge, actually his erection right on my butt chic. oh, hello! he wants to talk. he wants to know me or something. he wants it all to be human. I really don’t know what he wants from me. all i know is I want to fuck him. he is attractive and i must admit I am more than curious to see his dick. yeap. he makes a tea for himself and coffee for me. we seat at the table as if to talk but i say to him that it’s just sex and we don’t need to talk. after all he knows stuff about me way more than it os necessary and I don’t know almost anything about him. we move in the bedroom upstairs.
oh, you should he the bedroom. it is spacious, to say the least. and he has a dresser that is size of my whole room at home. i point this out and he says that, there are whole famillies that live in smaller spaces. alas, he doesn’t get it. you don’t say that or anything. he is cinical and lacks emphaty. i fond it a bit disappointing but i move on. it is not thefirst time he showed he does not get it. [to be continued, i am in the club and i may dance now].
on the subject of my relationships, or lack of: I never had a relationship with a man ever upto today march 9, 2016. there were three attempts and a failure to lauch that just failed today. so I actually have no ex-es. yay me! nor not… 🙂 and to recap, they happend in march 2013, september 2014 and november 2015. there! and you know who you are, the three of you. no hard feeling, it was all my mistake. I apologize.