Posted on March 18, 2009 by xavier_j

it was a afternoon, about 31 year ago. i would take a nap in the afternoon. my mother was around me at all times. i have never before been alone at home. my mother was with me at all times, even when i was asleep. but that day in particular got stuck in my memory.
i wake up and started to call my mom as usual, as many children do. no answer. i figures she must have been in the kitchen and she can not hear me. so i got off of my bed and went on to look for mom. the apartment we had at the 10th floor was not that big but is was for a 5 yo like me. the kitchen was hear the entrance hall. that is where a realized that i was alone in the house. i paniked. i started to yiel, then to hit the main door with my fists and my feet. then i started to cry. i wet back to my tiny bed and continued to cry. my mom and dad came home eventually. they have gone downstairs to some friends that had running water (we were having problems with that at the time at the 10th floor) to bring some water for drinking. my dad told me then something like that i should get used to staying home alone. it was not the case because when my mom started to work again, they find me a place at a kindergarten downtown where i was ok with the exception of closed rooms by myself.
i never quite figured out this one. i always panik, maybe even now, if i get stuck in a room by myself. that is why i take my mobil phone with me to the toillet. just in case. i think though i went past that. i mean, i am all grown up. i can rationalize being stucked in a room by myself. no need to panik. somebody will come to free me eventually.on the other hand it may be an explanation why i conciously withdraw from any form of relationship.  this constant need for attention and love, this fear of rejection and this pattern of withdrawal… no, i think i am right. i can not make and keep friends, i can not have love and i do not need that or friends. all i need to do is get used to it. after all, i can adapt. there are a lot of things i can do instead. like workout. reading. important stuff.

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7 Responses to

  1. M. says:
    March 19, 2009 at 11:32

    hmmm…i am so tempted to walk you through a self discovery exercise (or maybe a couple of them). it would be much simpler and accurate than simply stating my opinion!

  2. Blue Bear 250Lbs says:
    March 19, 2009 at 14:02

    what is stopping you? however, just leaving a comment is enough. at least somebody read my story. self discovery? i wonder what is to discover. as i said, things are clear for me. i am meant to be alone. it seems i did not grasp this fully until now. i need to finally get used to being alone. this idea that i was abandoned is not wrong. there is nothing to abandon and nobody to abandon me.

  3. M. says:
    March 19, 2009 at 14:27

    well…stopping me is the lack of a real-time form of contact…this is not something that can be done by means of comments to a post.
    as for the discovery…discovering how did you get to those very clear conclusions about yourself is just one of them. and i’m sure it’s not the only one. discovering yourself is a trip at the end of which you’ll find only yourself, naked as you come, but pure, unaltered and happy about yourself.

  4. Blue Bear 250Lbs says:
    March 19, 2009 at 14:49

    Addendum: the more i think about this episode from my childhood, the more i think it has no significance. i do not know why, from all things, it got stacked in my mind. one other question snicked into my mind now: do i have happy memories of my childhood? i need to make an effort for that. hmm…

  5. M. says:
    March 19, 2009 at 15:14

    and do you really think there is no connection between: “my dad told me then something like that i should get used to staying home alone” and “i can not make and keep friends, i can not have love and i do not need that or friends. all i need to do is get used to it. after all, i can adapt”

  6. Blue Bear 250Lbs says:
    March 19, 2009 at 16:32

    all children have to learn to stay home alone at some point. for me it happened then. this theory of this connection between what happened 31 years ago and what happens now is not mine. i do not buy into it.

  7. Blue Bear 250Lbs says:
    March 19, 2009 at 17:36

    ok, i am revisiting the theory. there are some other events that may be linked to this one and to each other.

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