and you, and you, and you…
every time i listen to vampire weekend and especially hortchata, i think of you. your long dark hair. i am sorry i could not take the initiative. i wish i could chase you (or pursue you, for lack of a better word). i wish i could have done things differently but in the end you were not there where i was. i felt every inch of your body while you were laying almost inert over me in your room, in the dark. i like your body and i would have wanted to have sex with you but now as i think of it, there was no chemistry between us.
and i am thinking of you from time to time. i read your comments on facebook to posts of your friends that in the meantime i made my acquaintances (remember, i do not have actual friends). i haven’t talked to you ever since that night in Amsterdam when i took off and never looked back. i took me some time to understand that what we had in terms of a friendship was toxic for me mostly. as soon as i shut up, you distanced yourself from me. it was the things i said that would keep you responding in a very unhealthy way. i did not deserve to be called a bad model for you and i should not have let you do that. i still believe you are a beautiful man but with a broken heart. i am sorry for you and i hope you find your inner peace someday.
and i am thinking of you, my lifelike self-pleasuring implements supplier. there was a time when i would banish the mere fantasy of having you. you were together, the perfect long time couple and i was just a fan. i liked you but i could not see me with you because you were taken. now, after your breakup, you are still taken for me. sort of like radio active material. i would not even come close to it. that is how it will remain. for a short while i was upset that you brokeup but now i think that that is life and things must go on and we must move on along with them. so i will.