pocket size pulp fiction

“it scares me a lot that someone could like me the way i am. to me that someone is a fool to do that. only a fool and a looser could like and, god forbid, love, a fool and a looser like me. that it my rational. that is how i work. and that is not working. or, at least, not anymore.”

‎”i finally figured it out. i did not love them. i just feared they will reject me. and that is what they did, eventually. i can not feel anything. i never say ‘thank you’, i always appologize to cover myself and i hurt a lot when i get rejected. i have this large hole in my soul and there is nothing and nobody to fill it. i guess i need to fill it myself. with love.”

“he was leaning against the kitchen cupboard while trying to figure a way out of it. she kept saying ‘you did it, didn’t you. did you like it?’. over and over. ‘yes, i am gay!’ he finally said in the lowest voice possible that not even a fly would hear if it could. […] that was something so new and unfamiliar that he liked it immediately. like a teenage drinking beer for the very first time. instant intoxication.”

“it was not the first time he would have done this. his lover was so much younger than him, yet he seemed so old. or maybe just experienced. or maybe just familiar. […] they kissed as if that was how kissing was meant to be. and they made love, tender and wild and in every way possible, as two lovers should make love. true love. then he woke up. suddenly alone. in the dark.”

“friends told him that he was foolish at best, if not plain crazy to that in the street in broad daylight. but he knew it was right and that very few men would dare to be as crazy as he was. and he just, by some strange fate, stumbled up one of them. but that he was not the one. that one… it was just a player. a beautiful and too-good-to-be-true player.”

“after was it seemed like a century long wait he was finally there. i was trembling at the sight of every man slightly resembling him. ‘you made me wait for you!’ ‘i text you where i was. you are so buying’ ‘one beer’ ‘no, no, beer! not just one!’ […] ‘you are not enjoying yourself, are you?!’ he said. i did not say a word. just suddenly took off not looking back and secretly hoping he will follow me in the crowd. by the time i got at the mid of reguliersdwars stratt i realized i was so wrong and that is was all a mistake. so i headed home. alone.”

“I was thinking to myself ‘is he out?’. as i was climbing the ramp he was already there waiting for me with a boyish smiley on his face. kind of his trade mark. we kissed as if we have done that a thousand time before. like lovers do when they meet again. right there and then i was suddenly happy. we held hands and we kissed more as if we were the only lovers in the city. without fear, without shame, without remorse. but with passion, with desire, with… we were into one another and this was it.”

“I opened my eye. ‘Good morning, daddy!’ ”morning Andy’ ‘Daddy, i can make for you a sign to hang on the door for people to not disturb you so you can sleep more.’ ‘Why, thank you!’ ‘And you have to pay me for this’ ‘Huh?!’ ‘Yes, 3 euros.’. He is almost 5 years old. They grow so fast…”

“the bus started to slowly move but i left my stare behind. He was handsome, well-groomed and dressed up and i was thinking that there is some guy out there who calls him ‘my love’ every night. and then, as if i needed a pretense, i reminded myself of my love that is awaiting me home. i smiled. suddenly a ray of sun light pierced the clouds. i was finally coming home.” [the cheese part]

“it wagged its tail and started to gently bite my fingers. ‘oh, you spoil it! it will start to do that every time from now on! stop that!’. i knew it likes to play like that as all […] like that. i took my phone to snap a picture. ‘it won’t stay still!’ i said. […] ‘please stay’ ‘i am sorry, i just can not. see you.'”

“‘i think i love him. everything is falling apart. i need to extract myself from it. i need to put an end to it.’ ‘do you love him’ ‘i do but he does not. he just want us to be friends. and i kissed him. and his look, his eyes, just stuck in my mind. everyone i talk to about him say he is no good. i mean, the guys, you know. they’ve all been involved with him. why would he pick me? what is special about me that he would want to spend the rest of his life with me?'”

“i miss the things we never did. i miss the lips that will never meet again. i miss the lighting, the storm, the rain, the sun, the moon. ‘two bears floating on air’. so sad. i am. that it is over.”

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