I struggle. I struggle to remember my childhood.
All I remember is rain, fear, frustration. I never felt good about myself. I always had this doubt that I am not what I am expected to be and that what I do does not matter or is important. I was always compared and I always ended up being less than any other kid. I think that at some point I just got tired and gave up.
I wish I could remember going out and enjoying it. I wish I could remember playing and loving it. I wish I could remember dreaming and making it happen. I wish I could remember I was not ashamed of myself, my deeds and the way I look.
I remember drawing a lot, I remember dreaming, making up scenarios in worlds that existed only in my head and in my drawing. I remember hiding a lot, I remember fearing that my father will find them, the drawing, and will laugh and taunt me for them and destroy them.
When I was little I could not say what I wanted to be when I grow up. Mostly because of the confusion cultivated by my parents and my grandparents and the lack of direction.
I remember watching TV and being fascinated with that. Most of the time I wanted to be a TV producer. I met TV people to whom I confessed my love for television and they just painted a rather bleak picture of it.
I also liked movies. I watched Star Wars episodes 4 and 5 numerous times. I was fascinated with the magic behind them.
Now that I think about all these I feel like my life was wasted.
I can not go back, I can not relive it.
Now at 41 I wish I could change my life but it feels like it is too late.
Here and now. Here and now. This is all I have. And I need courage. Courage to go through the next 2 minutes. After that, everything will be alright.
