I am writting you this letter because i want to make amends with you.
I hope it finds you well and in Heaven. I hope God took you from here because he really needed a very good engineer up there.
I want to start by asking forgiveness from you for the bad things I said to you while you were still alive. I did not really meant it when I said I did not love you. I was upset. I wanted you to really get me. I was frustrated for all the years when I had to hide my true self from you so that you don’t bruise it. All I wanted from you was to take as I was, to set me free and help me fly. All I got from you was doubt in my powers, doubt in my abilities, doubt in my decisions, rejection of all my wants and wishes. All I got was the knowledge that is was to able and not worthy. When I was 16 you took me to the endocrinologist to see if you was man enough. I was so humiliated when that lady touch my testicles to size them. I was so humiliated that you doubted me.I wish I understand why.
You know, I really want to find reasons to love you. As with your father, I never wanted to be like you. I resented you.
Once, in my scrap book I wrote my role model was Obi Wan Kenoby. I class mate wrote that his role model was his father. You read that book, even if it was meant to be private, and sneered at me because i did not chose you. I can not but to wonder if you actually did not resent me in kind. I always felt that I was a very big disappointment for you. That you wanted me to be different.
Well, to add insult to injury, I need to tell you something, Dad.
I am gay.