my strategy: pre-reject everyone

… including me. that prevents all rejection. and the eventual looser that would like my ugly face and fat body. cause, in the the words of the great margaret chow, ‘if you like me then you are a bigger looser than i am’.
my therapist is trying to blame it on me trying to please my dead father. he has been dead for over 13 years and apparently i still behave as if he was still alive and me a 12 yo. he used to beat me on my palms with a thick wooden ruler. it hurt like hell and that was not all. the verbal abuse was devastating. frankly i would have taken more beating than the words like stupid, clumsy, failure and so on. the beating hurt instantly but the words would hunt me and change me and would harm me far longer.
i am a wreck. i am damaged beyond repair. i wish i could change but i can not. i am fooling myself into believing i changed but i did not change. i still feel bad, i still can not make contact, i am still awkward.