Me as Gay Folk

I am rarely proud of something. My low self esteem gets in the way. Most of the time I do things that are measly, that the world could do without – useless. I do feel useless and at every work place I have had I felt expandable and lived with the fear of being fired at every moment because was not good enough. I always felt like the underdog. Not good enough.
But… I am trying to recall stuff I did recently. Nothing. If I find something, I promise to return.

I am not able, it seems, to meet goals. That is why I don’t set myself any. Or maybe I do only to beat myself up when I fail. Maybe I just don’t want to meet my goals because I do not believe in them. Am I making any sense here? No. I know, I know.

Soooo… there are 11 days left of March of 2011. What can I do to make it worthwhile? I could make a real, good and… real friend. Or I could make up with someone. Or fall in love… no, not this one. It takes time for things like this. It is not like finishing a long overdue chore.

Ok, enough with this rant.

As I am continuing my attempt into saving myself, I want, by this month’s end, to find the answer to one question: how do I get to love myself?

I don’t want to post pictures here. However, the someone that, so far, has had the biggest impact on my life is my 7 yo son. He’s birth begun my my late and direly needed transition into adulthood. He gave me a reason and purpose. I feel a deep responsibility and I want to not let him down.

My current celebrity crush is Phil Heath. I mostly like his eyes and his general demeanor. From his tweets I gather he is also rather straightforward and has a healthy sense of humor. My kind of man.

Here it goes:

1. My Father’s Eyes, Eric Clapton
2. Mer girl, Madonna
3. If My Sister’s In Trouble, Lady Soul, Sister Act OST
4. You Gotta Be, Des’ree
5. Nothing To Lose, Des’ree
6. Hold My Hand (Duet with Akon), Michael Jackson
7. California Dreamin’, Queen Latifah, The Dana Owens Album
8. If Tomorrow Never Comes, Ronan Keating
9. It’s Been Awhile, Staind
10. One, U2
11. Macho Man, The Village People
12. Beauty And The Beast, Celine Dion
13. Cool Morning, Des’ree
14. Like You Don’t Love Me, Janet Jackson
15. It’s Okay, Des’ree

There are also:
I Try, Macy Gray
Somebody to love, Queen
Why Must We Wait Until Tonight, Tina Turner
I Dont Wanna Fight, Tina Turner

Of all places I choose Amsterdam. I wish I had pictures from Moscow, but I did not have a camera at the time, 14 years ago.

Watching too much porn comes to mind first but when I think of it, it is not as awful as deprecating myself in conversation with gay men. This is a big turn off for them and makes a looser out of me. I am working on getting rid of it. This is the year!

Here I go:

1. I am gay. Well, you may know that already, but still…
2. I have a 7 y.o. son.
3. I used to be afraid to ride elevators by myself. Today I can manage.
4. I am somewhat afraid of heights.
5. I prefer to drive or even sail rather than flying.
6. I had a crush on a girl when i was in grade school. i never told her that but i think she knew and never reciprocate.
7. Also in grade school I used to secretly admired the handsome, tall and rather well-built goal keeper from the other class. At the time I did not know why. Today seems rather obvious why.
8. I enjoy lying face down in bed. It relaxes me a lot. I also like to lie face down with someone lying on my back. It calms me and gives me confidence.
9. I like to hug people. For free. I also like to be hugged. I believe it is a very intimate thing and it creates unseen bonds between people. That is why some people are afraid of it, I think. But not me.
10. I am not able to crack jokes but I like to say ‘wise’ things some time when I get inspired, and that, I noticed, make people laugh.
11. I like to be kissed WITHOUT the tongue. The classic kiss arouses me almost instantly.
12. Once, while in the company of a man, I had an orgasm without touching my penis. It was ravishing. And rare.
13. I am a Star Wars fan. I even like to watch the cartoon series.
14. I cry at every episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I cry at movies in general. I also laugh hysterically at comedies and that encourages people around me in the theater to laugh harder.
15. It took me 120 hours and 3 instructors to learn to drive an automobile. I used to believe I was not able to do it. Actually, there were and still are many things I believe I am not able to do but would do them eventually. It is an perennial lack of self confidence. An every day fight with myself.

I will be undertaking the 30-day blog challenge. Well, I may not post everyday but the next 30 posts will be nothing else. It is a welcomed break from the recent past and a chance to reflect on things about me and my life. There is also a chance for you, the reader, to get to know me a little more. So, welcome and enjoy.