TEST

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Forget you

… i want, as if you were never born, as if we wouldn’t have met. i am numb, i am sad almost all the time and i miss you. i miss the possibility of us together. i miss your wits, i miss your always sad face, i miss your anxieties and your kisses. and i miss the chance at a life together. i need to tell myself that you were not into me. i don’t know if you ever were but i fucked up and you used it against me and so i don’t know. and in order to forget you i need some version of the truth, or a lie. so, you were not into me and i fell for you and now i need to move on. i love you. i hate you. i miss you. i need to get over you.

Posted in amends, decision, down and out, love, schizoid personality, why | Leave a comment

Aftermath

we reconnected on gayromeo. i was about to close my account when he asked me if i am still single. then he disclosed who he was and i remembered. i said i wanted to meet him. and then i f**ked things up. and after that he said he is better off alone and miserable than with me. at the time it did not hurt. i was starting to fall for him and now every time i see a guy in the street of the same height as him and with black hair i tremble and i think of him. i hate that i still think of him and i hate that i don’t even know if i ever had a shot at him. we broke up in such strange circumstances that it is impossible for me to know if he was into me or not or he was just pissed off at my instability. and i promised that i will never contact him again. ever.

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compassion

I no longer need compassion. I do need empathy, but not compassion. I will stop┬ábehaving like my problems and my pain are bigger and need more attention and compassion. I can soldier through the pain toward natural healing, I can allow myself to be imperfect and I will love myself. These days I have seen how my toxic behavior of self-loathing and self-pity is frustrating. I do not need pity. I need to first have empathy for myself and then for others. It is that simple. I sometime tend to compete in ‘who is in a bigger misery and more worthy of compassion’. This really does not get me anything but frustrates other people and alienates them and does not get me empathy.

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te urasc

te uras atat de mult! as fi vrut sa fii in viata acum sa pot sa urlu la tine si sa iti spun tot ce ma doare si sa iti spun tot ce mi-ai facut si cum as fi vrut sa ma bati mai mult si sa vorbesti cu mine mai putin. cuvintele alea ma dor si acum si nu ai idee cat de mult m-au dat inapoi. m-ai facut sa cred ca nu sunt in stare sa fac nimic. mi-au trebuit 120 de ore de scoala de soferi si 3 instuctori ca sa ajung acum sa conduct masina fara nici o problema si chiar mai bine decat altii. nu pot sa fac sex cu nimeni pentru ca o am mica si pentru ca imi e rusine e corpul meu. ohhh, corpul meu. imi amintesc si acum, de parca a fost ieri, de cum ma umileai punandu-ma sa merg vara la bustul gol si imi ziceai ca am un piept mic si sunt slab si nu arat ca un barbat adevarat. si daca am visat sa remediez asta, si ai aflat, m-ai umilit iar si mi-ai spus ca nu e ce imi trebuie si ce trebuie sa fac. mi-ai spus ce nu pot sa fac si cum nu sunt dar nu m-ai ajutat niciodata sa fac ce nu pot sa fac si sa devin cum nu eram. ce a mai fost si asta? chiar nu te inteleg. tot timpul mi-ai dat de inteles ca sunt o dezamagire pentru tine, ca nu sunt asa cum iti doreai tu asa fiu. am vesti pentru tine: nu vroiam sa fiu exact ca tine dar sunt lucruri pe care mi le doream si care coincideau cu ce vroiai si tu dar nu m-ai ajutat. nu ai fost acolo pentru mine, nu ti-a pasat cum sunt pentru ca nu aveai cum sa vezi si sa stii pentur ca erai orbit de tiparul tau. acum am obosit sa scriu dar mai am multe de spus. si chair daca esti mort de 15 ani, tot o sa ti le spun si o sa ma cert cu tine pana scap de tine si de mostenirea ta. nu cred in rai si iad si tot bulshitul ala, dar daca ar exista, sper ca esti in IAD (ce coincidenta, sunt chiar initialele tale) ca eu am fost destul acolo cat ai trait.

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I feel alright

It is a bit strange. I feel good, I feel I can manage myself. I feel I can manage the good things, get to enjoy them more. I feel I can manage the bad things, the aftermath, the lessons to be learnt. I am living more in the here and now.

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accept joy and let go of fear

I got this quote from the golden globes telecast. I think it was Amy Adams or Jennifer Lawrence. I don’t remember exactly. however I think this should be my state of mind from now on. you know, we often forbid joy from our lives. we actually overlook it, simply because we get so caught up with doing stuff or getting stuff or because we fear that we will never get it or we fear that something bad will come or will happen.

fear. can be so overwhelming. it’s supposed to protect us. many times we succumb to its force. because we don’t want to feel the pain.

pain. is part of the healing. or it’s part of the inevitable: death. however it is, pain is not forever. so why fear it? why not deal with it? eventually it will go away.

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Have you seen my chidhood

I struggle. I struggle to remember my childhood.

All I remember is rain, fear, frustration. I never felt good about myself. I always had this doubt that I am not what I am expected to be and that what I do does not matter or is important. I was always compared and I always ended up being less than any other kid. I think that at some point I just got tired and gave up.

I wish I could remember going out and enjoying it. I wish I could remember playing and loving it. I wish I could remember dreaming and making it happen. I wish I could remember I was not ashamed of myself, my deeds and the way I look.

I remember drawing a lot, I remember dreaming, making up scenarios in worlds that existed only in my head and in my drawing. I remember hiding a lot, I remember fearing that my father will find them, the drawing, and will laugh and taunt me for them and destroy them.

When I was little I could not say what I wanted to be when I grow up. Mostly because of the confusion cultivated by my parents and my grandparents and the lack of direction.

I remember watching TV and being fascinated with that. Most of the time I wanted to be a TV producer. I met TV people to whom I confessed my love for television and they just painted a rather bleak picture of it.

I also liked movies. I watched Star Wars episodes 4 and 5 numerous times. I was fascinated with the magic behind them.

Now that I think about all these I feel like my life was wasted.

I can not go back, I can not relive it.

Now at 41 I wish I could change my life but it feels like it is too late.

Here and now. Here and now. This is all I have. And I need courage. Courage to go through the next 2 minutes. After that, everything will be alright.

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Reset

I am thinking of reset. A reset of me.

I’ve been functioning like this for far too long. Almost 41 years.

I want to make a change.

Big time!

Overwhelming!

Earth-shattering!

Sometime ago I started to wonder if the therapy is working. This week I finally gathered my courage and talked with my therapist about my concerns. She listened, she defended herself and her method and I am willing to continue. After all I had the guts to tell her what I though, what bothered me and what I wanted from her.

So, here I go: I will appreciate myself more, I will celebrate my victories, I will figure out a way to accept my flows and my mistakes, like anyone else. I will be good enough for myself and others that are willing to accept and respect me for who I am and how I am. I will not tolerate emotional abuse. I will be self-sufficient as much as possible but I will learn to ask for help. And I will learn to ask for what I need. I will learn to accept rejection as an option and as an opportunity to test other options. I will learn to say no if it is warranted. I can not be everything for everyone and do everything. I am smart enough to figure what is warranted and what is not, what really matters and is important and what is doable and what is useful and what is really needed.

Posted in change, what i want | 1 Comment

About a relationship

… or something like that, that I experimented about two month ago.
by some weird coincidence i got to meet this 23 yo. we drunk beer, he a bit more than me and we kissed and we fucked. actually he fucked me in the ass a few times. i faked the orgasm. then i became so uncomfortable with his lame tv jokes that i could not get. so i said i did not want so see him anymore. not even as a friend. this is in a nutshell my 7 days attempt at a relationship. well, it was also the insult at my skills as a top. or the joblessness and lack of trying to find a job. but it is over now. nothing gained, nothing lost.

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