after 7 month and 7 days

Posted on February 22, 2013 by xavier_j

i had sex with a man. i drove 10 km from my home to his on a week night. i wanted to experiment. i put myself out and i wanted to observe myself. of course i will analyse my feeling better next Tuesday in therapy but, just a couple of minutes ago, it occurred to me: i dared to do it. i put myself in a position of vulnerability and i almost won. i say almost because when he insisted that i cum i stopped liking it and him. but that is another story. all in all, i am not there yet, where i can be ok with myself, my sex kinks and even my body, so i decided to resume my abstinence period in order to explore myself more without the pressure of dating and sex. This time though i will also not masturbate because i noticed it deprives me of physical and mental energy. at this time i have no idea when i will attempt to have sex again.

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my strategy: pre-reject everyone

Posted on November 23, 2012 by xavier_j

… including me. that prevents all rejection. and the eventual looser that would like my ugly face and fat body. cause, in the the words of the great margaret chow, ‘if you like me then you are a bigger looser than i am’.
my therapist is trying to blame it on me trying to please my dead father. he has been dead for over 13 years and apparently i still behave as if he was still alive and me a 12 yo. he used to beat me on my palms with a thick wooden ruler. it hurt like hell and that was not all. the verbal abuse was devastating. frankly i would have taken more beating than the words like stupid, clumsy, failure and so on. the beating hurt instantly but the words would hunt me and change me and would harm me far longer.
i am a wreck. i am damaged beyond repair. i wish i could change but i can not. i am fooling myself into believing i changed but i did not change. i still feel bad, i still can not make contact, i am still awkward.

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conditional

Posted on September 27, 2012 by xavier_j

love is something very relative to me. Apparently my subconscious desires it. I think that being loved is a validation of oneself. So, the thinking is: do I need to be validated?
I need to understand if validations of oneself has any practical consequences. Does it help in any way in my everyday life? What do I do with love, should and if I get it?

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fail. you are good enough.

Posted on September 18, 2012 by xavier_j

today a grandmother scolded her 7yo in front of people getting on the bus. he stumbled in a dump in the pavement and almost dragged his grandma with him.
‘you stupid. do you see how stupid you are! … ‘
i wish i could slap the old bitch and tell her a thing or two and then hug the little one and tell him that he is not stupid and that accidents happen and they do not say anything about what and how he is.
these days, if i concentrate hard enough, i can vaguely hear from the deepest depth of my memory, my father scolding me, saying that i am not good enough, that i am lame and dumb.
there are the moments like the one today when i grinch and feel the pain and the shame that these little ones feel in those moments.

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i am in love…

Posted on September 2, 2012 by xavier_j

… with me. i love my smile. i love my resolve. i love my wit. i love my space. i love my biceps and my triceps and my pectorals. i love my 6pack even if i can not see them. i love my son. i love my therapist. i love my mom. i love my pain and respect it. i love my evenings. i love my bright moments and my dark corners. i love the way i deal with the past. i love my father. i love my here and now. i love my future. i love my friend. i love my future friends. i love my loneliness. i love my gym. i love my work. i love my penis and my ass. i love my failures and i love my success. i l-o-v-e.

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A friend in need…

Posted on May 24, 2012 by xavier_j

People misinterpret this thinking that the measure if a friendship is made from the things people do to each other in kind. Truth is that friends do things for friends when they need them most but are not able to repay, not now and maybe never. The gesture is selfless. I also think that friends should be not because of the deeds they do to each other, but for what they are to each other. This extends to romance or love. What we do to others is a consequence of what and who we are to them. Our actions become relevant through what we mean to them, what we are that they find it is important to them. That is why friendship or romance or love is born out of intimacy, the discovery of our bare selves.

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Sudden impact

Posted on January 8, 2012 by xavier_j

Nothing prepares you for it. my mother took it the hardest. She lost that day a shepard, a leader, a captain and rather than a friend, a lover and a husband. Is been almost 13 years since my father died. When it happened I was numb. That day I lost my father that denied me his love for me. I felt empty and loveless and deserted.
After a sudden pact it takes a while for you to pick yourself up and pull yourself together. I think it is time for me to do just that: to start anew, to give up the old ways, to recognize that I am not perfect and that that is okay and that I deserve to love myself and that I deserve the love, friendship and understanding of others as much as anyone else.
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Day 22 – What I would find in your bag

Posted on October 24, 2011 by xavier_j

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Day 21 – Something you crave for a lot

Posted on August 19, 2011 by xavier_j

I have cravings now and then. I crave for certain foods, for sweets, maybe even for sex with someone other than myself. At this time I have everything I need and I am satisfied. However, something I have been craving a lot, for most of my life so far, is love. I wanted to be loved and to love. I am told I need to love myself and perhaps that is something I crave for, too.

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Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name

Posted on August 18, 2011 by xavier_j

Me as Gay Folk simply it is me viewed from the angle of my sexual orientation. I need to stress that it is a window into my life and it is not my entire life or the entire me.

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