amends with my fling

dragul meu,

intai, trebuie sa sti ca am decis sa repostez povestea mea cu tine si dialogul de pe gayromeo. consider ca este cinstit asa. nu exista motive pentru care ar trebui sa fac o exceptie in acest caz, al nostru.
de-a lungul timpului ti-am spus foarte multe lucruri despre sentimentele mele fata de tine si cred ca am spus totul pana acum.
ori de cate ori ma uit la o fotografie cu tine, imi aduc aminte cu placere de tine si de momentele pe care le-am petrecut impreuna, si ma surprind vambind in coltul gurii ca pentru mine. iti jur ca asta simt de fiecare data si ceva imi spune ca asa va fi mereu.
iar tu, cred ca stii deja de ce.

cu bine,

al tau virgin

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the sequel

i need to keep this going.
i had my first session with the therapist.
it did not go well or at least that is what i think of it.
she told me to think about my need for therapy. after this lonely week end i decided. i will go on with therapy and i will continue to chronicle me as gay folk.

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povestea mea

La mine coming-out-ul a concis cu acceptarea orientarii sexuale.
In momentul in care am ales sa recunosc ca sunt gay, am hotarat ca pot si vreau sa fiu out.
Spun recunosc, pentru ca mi-a luat vreo 20 de ani sa ajung unde sunt acum. In adolescenta mi-a fost teama de asta. De fapt atunci nici macar nu am considerat asta o posibilitate chair daca avea erectii la filmele cu Bruce Lee (!) si aveam o admiratie ciudata pentru tipul din clasa a 8-a B care statea mereu in poarta la fotbal. Asta ca sa nu mai vorbesc despre obsesia mea pentru muschi. In clasa a 12-a un coleg mi-a spus ca sunt gay. Din fericire, atunci, fara martori. Teama asta si ignoranta sau mai bine spus o educatie sexual precara m-au impiedicat ca vad adevarul atunci.
Fast-forward la 24 de ani, cand m-am insurat si am inceput sa am relatii sexuale constante cu o femeie: nevasta. Ea de fapt a fost a 2-a femeie din viata mea, dupa o prostituata din Ferentari care cu greu a fost convinsa sa ma dezvirgineze. La vreo un an sau doi dupa, nu mai stiu exact, am inceput sa ma gandesc la homosexualitate. De fapt am descoperit Internetul si pornografia gay. Descarcam pe ascuns filme, poze, si ma masturbam uitandu-ma la ele. La un momentan am incercat chiar sa contactez pe cineva pentru o posibila experienta sexuala. Tentativa a sfarsit prin a fi un act ratat, in sensul in care, am lasat urme pe care sotia mea le-a descoperit. A urmat confruntarea, eu am incercat sa neg si la intrebarea directa, am raspuns ca nu stiu daca sunt gay. Si am continuat sa sustin asta pana in octombrie 2007.
Ce s-a intamplat in 2007? Pai, clandestin, am facut sex cu barbati. Au fost 3. Un dezastru, un pasiv si un activ. A fost tot ce mi-a trebuit ca sa realizez ce e cu mine. Cum am mai spus intr-un post, aveam 34 de ani, 8 luni si 25 de zile. Aproximativ.

PS am scris acest post in urma concursului (http://www.totalg.ro/gay2gay/concurs) de pe Feed The Gay Generation. Cred ca o sa-l traduc si in engleza. Poate…

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i am not arrogant.

for a very strange reason that i can not grasp, people think i am arrogant. i swear i am not arrogant. it is not my intention at all. i try to be humble as much as i can. i go to great lengths to stay out of the way and i make efforts to blend into the background and keep out of sight. so, why people think i am arrogant? somebody enlighten me.
oh, well, i may be pissed off at times, but for good reason. or… not? i sometimes say things that will make people want to break any connections with me. perhaps it is a lack of social skills (how i love this construction) coming from the fact that i was raised in a ‘green house’ away from civilization and i came to exhibit that savage behavior that children lost in the forest have.
perhaps that is the case with me. i am a savage in this civilized world.
thus, please, i beg you, bear with me.

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letters to the editor

Dear Anonymous, se presupune ca toata lumea stie ca eu sunt gay pentru ca eu am ales sa fie asa. Fara sa fac ceva special pentru asta, mai devreme sau mai tarziu toti cei care ma cunosc, au sansa sa afle asta. Si nu sunt jenat daca tu sti ca eu sunt gay, chiar daca am fost colegi de servici. Sunt putine persoane carora le-am spus direct iar restul vor afla doar daca este nevoie sau de la altii. Celor cerora le-am spus eu asta sunt persoane apropiate cu care ma simt confortabil sa impart acest aspect al vietii mele. Fiecare isi face coming-outul in felul lui, iar asta e modul in care eu am ales sa il fac. In ceea ce il priveste pe fiul meu, faptul ca eu sunt gay nu ma impiedica sa fiu in continuare prezent in viata lui si sa particip la cresterea si educatia lui. Chiar daca sunt gay, cred ca sunt in stare sa il ajut sa porneasca in viata bine. Sunt multe oportunitati pe care le putem fructifica chair si in situatia mea. Stiu ca mai sunt si altii ca mine, care au facut aceeasi alegere ca si mine. Nu sunt singur.

Apoi, trebuie sa sti, daca ma cunosti destul, ca eu sunt exact opusul acestei situatii in care se gaseste fiul meu, iar  prezenta tatalui meu in viata mea nu m-a ajutat foarte mult. De fapt lucrul de care imi este si mi-a fost in totdeauna teama, este cum voi interactiona cu fiul meu, ce-i voi spune si ce voi face, ca sa capete incredere in el, sa creasca echilibrat si sa fie echipat cu ceea ce este nevoie ca sa supravietuiasca pe propriile picioare in aceasta lume si in aceste vremuri. Eu am avut in start intarziat in viata si am pierdut cei mai frumosi ani si multe oportunitati din cauza ca nu am putut sa stau pe piciorele mele si am avut de luptat cu dependenta de tatal meu.

Adevarul m-a eliberat. Greu am ajuns aici si mai am inca multe de facut. Dar merita efortul.

Iti multumesc pentru comentariu.

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i am moving out

here i am now. one year after i decided and i will live as a gay man, i am moving out of my home and breaking away with my old life. it feels so lonely and as if i am loosing something and i don’t know what i am gaining in return.

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awkward

well, last night i finally went to queens club. it was an event, ‘gay fetish’ with four actual porn stars, among whom francesco d’macho and demian cross. the other two i did not like, so it will not worth mentioning. unlike purple club, here the age average is higher, i would estimate at around 32. that is good if still not perfect. music is still dance, house, whatever. did not like all the music all the time, but i appreciated much madonna’s new single, ‘give it ro me’ at one point. overall, i liked it in there and i think i will perhaps go again some of these days…
why awkward? hmm, i had the chance to meet some past fuck flings or just acquaintances, people i though i will never see and that i am not sure how to react to. i would have loved to fuck again some of them or just fuck/be fucked by the ones i have not, yet. so, what did i do? play uninterested. maybe not such a smart move. did not have another. perhaps, things happen for a reason and those people i am not supposed to befriend. or maybe not. on a lighter note, demian cross touched me briefly. i like the two of them. they are great together.

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different

i met him online. then i met him face to face at the hotel where he was staying.
he was nice. we chatted for an hour or so, then he invited me to his room upstairs, to “fuck my brains out”. and so he did. it was perhaps a bit too rough for me at times, with no lube at all, but i liked it. it was something i can not describe. and even if he was tough with me, and at times it hurt like hell, he was considerate with me. he took his time, he went past my inherent inabilities and made it right.
most probably i will never see him again, but i will remember him for sure.

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give it to me

well, i did it. i went in da club! yeay…
after i made shit happen (literally), i decided it was the time to go in da club. and so i went in purple. i actually arrived there early and i stayed until 1am. it was crowded after midnight but it was ok. music was ok but i did not dance. i just stared at people. i was not properly dressed for dancing and i was alone and scary. nobody bought me a drink or made a move on me. i must have looked really ugly. i did not see anyone i know.
i hope to get to go to queens club this next friday to see my favorite porn stars D’macho and Cross.
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XXL

eu port camasi XXL in general. cand cumpar chiloti, tot dupa XXL mai uit. cand caut un barbat ca sa mi-o trag, ei, bine, marimea incepe sa nu aiba asa mare importanta. sau are?
am avut norocul ca fac sex cu mai multi barbati de diverse dimensiuni. cel mai mult mi-a placut un tip care nu are un penis foarte mare, as zice mediu. practic ‘am strigat in pula’…
am avut ieri un penis de vreo 20cm si un pic. nimic. cred ca un dildo m-ar fi satisfacut mai mult. bine poate a fost si locatia de vina: o sala de sedinte pe intuneric.
cu toate astea, nu sunt sigur ca marimea conteaza. ca in orice, nu exista un raspuns transant.
prin urmare, toate marimile sunt binevenite, iar daca sunt XL sau XXL, e bonus! my backdoor’s open…

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