The man of my dreams

I think i am allowed to dream from time to time.

I just got off of a one hour long phone conversation with a friend. We were talking about stuff and at one point i told her about my ideal type of guy, that i would spend a life time with.

Well, yo might think i am shallow and shit, but this is me.

So, here goes:

he has to be tall, about the same height as me, give or take. he has to be masculine. butch, but in a good sense. he has to work out regularly. he need not be a bodybuilder but he needs to be fit. as i always strive to be fit, the two of as will work wonders (besides, i really need a gym buddy to trains with).

well, he needs to be able to receive whatever i have to offer, no matter how little or insignificant, because what i give him is meant. he must have a sense of humor and the wisdom to make the difference…

he should be versatile in bed, even if i am more bottom than top (i pound ass from time to time, so why not return the favor if i can). he has to be a gentleman in bed. i respond in kind.

and, last, but not least, he must love me.
oh, i almost forgot! there is one treat that is very important to me: he must be good with children.

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tell him…

i was recently told that i do not express my feelings. i gave some thought to this. i think i don’t. indeed, i never had the courage of my opinions and i never actually was comfortable with my own feelings to lay them on the table. i have no idea why, but i like to give hints, to hide them and let people find them if they can and want. i never tell. i never have the guts to tell. is this a good thing? what should i do? how can i learn to express my feelings naturally? can i just say ‘i love you’? what if i say ‘i love you’?

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three things to make it right

someone told me this week that a couple consists of three things: you, him and the relationship. the two of you exist as individuals but the third thing is what makes the difference. it is the bond, it is the love, the respect that you give the each other. it is what makes life less lonely. you look into his eyes, you hold him and he is what you need and want and cherish. you give selflessly because he is what you want and love and cherish and when there is love, you don’t expect anything in return. at other times he will give you and you will receive and enjoy and feel loved and feel cared for. that is love. l-o-v-e. btw, tomorrow is Valentine’s day.

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i don’t love him

a good friend of mine, you know who you are, made me question my love for him. well, she says that you can not tell that you love somebody and can not live without him, if have not sent enough time with him. and that made realize that all in all i spent about 7 hours with him. in 9 month. we never fell asleep in each others arms, we never had breakfast together. we never went shopping. we never watched a movie together. we never woke up in bed with a wood and we never had sex together. i am so relieved. now i can let go and move one with ease. thank you, C!

now, off to Grey’s Anatomy and a good night sleep. all by myself. a bliss.

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the writing’s on the wall

damage has been done. trust was broken. feeling were hurt. there is nothing to be said or done. i am not a mind doctor, i do not read peoples’ minds and i can not predict the future. i know what i need, i know what i want, i know my feelings and that is all i would have to read. i can not fix other peoples lives, i can not make them better. all i can and should be doing is to fix my life. i love myself with the good and the bad, with qualities and flaws. i believe that i have purpose even if i may not fully see it now. i believe i deserve to be loved for even the little that i have to offer. i love dearly the few people in my life and i know that i am loved by them too. i can only hope that someday i will find a man to share my life with, a man that is truly the love of my life.

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friday night, saturday night

i went out this week end. i needed a break after all the pain and sadness. it felt good. i danced, a laughed, i joked, i had fun. and i found that i have friends and that i am not alone afterall. not that i did not know that after the holydays when i received some unexpected appreciation.

btw, they are A, C, I, A, AM, I and I. oh, and recently T.

thank you guys

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my boyfriend name is…

… not yet decided. a fried of my office colleague visited today and as i was introduced, she noted out-loud that her husband name is Traian. right then and there i though how ironic would be to have a bf named Traian. ironic indeed: “here is Traian and Decebal” i can hear it in my head. not going to happen, though. also Ioan will not happen either. i would love to have an Alex or Mihai or even Andrei. Vlad, maybe. Cosmin is not practical as it would get confused with my son’s name. what’s it gonna be? well…

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the gay at hand

well, after all the mixes and matches were made, in heaven, for the accommodation at the kiwi xmas party, two of us were left unpartnered: one of the girls at the reception and me. and since there were no more rooms, i will share a room with a female. this is when a gay man comes in handy. the only downside for me is that i really need to wear a pajama and me not liky. i think i will survive.

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what i want

i want a man that would fight for me. a man that is stubborn enough to make me change my mind. a man that would stick around. a man that would love me as i am. a man that would respect me and take time to know me, not in numbers and dates, but as i am, what i like, what i love, what’s important for me.

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change

‘i want to make a change, for once in my life. it’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right.” [from man in the mirror]

i know i need to make a change. a very difficult one. i need to return to what i should have been if everything would have gone right. i need to be me, mature, responsible and aware. i need to be very aware. i need to live.

thus, i decide for myself to be different, to do things differently, to free myself, to allow myself to be me, to allow myself to feel the joy and the pain and take chances on myself and other people. and let myself feel. intensely. and with abandonment.

… with L-O-V-E

PS – i watched ‘this is it’ for the 3rd time. and now, as i am writing these words, i am reminding myself of Amsterdam: ‘… i guess i just did not recognize you with your cloth on…’ [from Celebration by Madonna]

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