my ex

8 month. to the day. the 5th day of the month. we met. we broke up. I was reluctant. i know i am insecure and sexually unfulfilled so a relationship would have been a disaster. because my mother and my father never truly loved me i grew up not knowing what love is. I grew up thinking that i am undeserving of love and that something is terribly wrong with me. so it is hard still today for me to love myself. self love is all that one needs to go out into the world and connect to people in any way. i lack that and, even if recently i discovered that i have some compassion for myself, it makes it hard for me to connect and give love and be loved. then enter G. he just knocked me off my feet. we talked for a while on grindr but he was spotty so i just lost interest. then one saturday afternoon he write to me “i want to have a baby with you”. it made me laugh. then we decided to meet in the club later that night. and we did. he would start telling all his friends that i was his lover and we’ve been having a one hour old relationship. he was cute. we talked a lot. i even told him my special story and still he wanted to stick with me. we went to my place and had sex that allegedly he enjoyed. then we talked more, had some tense moments when i tried to reject him only to let him in my life. one week in he bought me a gift because he read my horoscope that said i will receive a gift. then he left for a week in a previously planned vacation with his mother in Cyprus. the surprise at the return was overwhelming: one present for every day he was away. it was so romantic and so kind and i could not stop from crying. nobody did something like that for me. i was struck and could not contain my joy. however before he left i did something very bad. i kissed a guy in the club. it was this guy that was doing trx at the same gym i was going to. i used to gave at him not even suspecting that he was gay. the saturday before his departure we got separated because his mother came in town he is not out to his family. i panicked and i went in the club and saw this guy and lost it for a moment. i kissed him but half way through i realized that it was so wrong and i moved away and left tue club. i was ashamed for that kiss and eventually i told my boyfriend what i had done. he was pissed but he forgave me.

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