Me as Gay Folk

This one is easy: I just don’t have a clue. Right now I am not looking for a long term commitment. I is almost impossible to commit since I still do not know exactly what I want and I am still not fully able to face all the chalenges of a relationship. Also I don’t feel I can come to that level of intimacy with anyone. I can not share myself in such detail with anyone. Not now. I also do not know when I will be ready and able. All I know is I need to get there… eventually… in the future…

The only one I would like to switch lives with for one day is my son. The sole reason is that I would want to walk in his shoes and feel how he feels about the things that happend in his life so far and then, based on that, to figure out how to help him cope and grow to be everything good that I am not.

Plans: i do not have plans because there is nothing i need to accomplish that needs a plan. or maybe a have a plan on how to workout at the gym.

Dreams: i sometimes dream of the man that may be the love of my life. i don’t think he exists or if he does, he is taken by a luckier guy.

Goals: to do a chin-up by myself. at least one if not 2 or 3.

1. Shakira – Waka Waka
2. Michael Jackson – Much Too Soon
3. Madonna – Three of hearts
4. Lady GaGa – Eh Eh
5. Des’ree – Fire
6. Des’ree – Crazy maze
7. Lady GaGa – Beautiful Dirty Rich
8. Madonna – Vogue
9. Lady GaGa – The Fame
10. Madonna – Beautiful Stranger

I am gay and I am out. However, my family (of my mom and my ex-wife) are not reluctantly accepting my sexual orientation. And since, they are my only family, I will not post a picture with them.

There isn’t anyone who has hurt me lately. There really isn’t. Or maybe it was but I do not give it that much importance. Instead, I would rather write a generic letter because most of the time people hurt me by not answering my phone calls or texts, by ignoring me, by telling nasty things to me, by making me feel bad, by mocking me or laughing at me, by letting me take the blame, by not genuinely caring for me, by lying to me, by disregarding what I want, by discounting my feelings. I would say to them that I forgive them. They have a life, they have their friends and don’t need a new one or they are busy. I get it. That’s why I forgive them. Of course, I will still be alone, but that is OK, I guess. A lot of people live alone, unknown and forgotten, and they are still around. I am just one of them and for that it is nobody’s fault but my own.

I must admit that i like this single challenge. It should be fun. So, let’s see:

The Horse –  I had this one when I was in 4th grade. I got it in summer camp because I was running very fast and I was the tallest in the class. And, no it is not because of the size of my dong.

The grandson of the Kilometer – I got this one from some kids in my neighborhood. Because I was taller than anyone else around, duh!

The Bear – I got it in high-school from my first name that ends in ‘bal’. That got into ‘Balloo’, then the bear.

TZUTZU – this should be my current nickname. I got it at work from my boss. The caps letters are very important and they distinguished between me and my former office colleague that was nicknamed ‘tzutzu’ with lower cases.

;o)

I like to eat. I like to eat sophisticated food. I like to try out food I never had eaten before and it is sophisticated. However, my day to day diet is simple. Or maybe even more: simplistic. Also, it actually is not the food I am that madly in love with.
So, my fav food would be pizza with Gorgonzola. My fav place to eat would be everywhere it is quiet and I can watch movies, TV shows or pod-casts on my iPhone while I eat. I can not (at this time) explain why I need to do that while I eat.

I am rarely proud of something. My low self esteem gets in the way. Most of the time I do things that are measly, that the world could do without – useless. I do feel useless and at every work place I have had I felt expandable and lived with the fear of being fired at every moment because was not good enough. I always felt like the underdog. Not good enough.
But… I am trying to recall stuff I did recently. Nothing. If I find something, I promise to return.